I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
