it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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