Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
