Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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