I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
