I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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