I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
