i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I want her autograph on my taint
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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