Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
