Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize