I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
