i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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