remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
