if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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