I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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