Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
