theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
