Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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