Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
