Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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