Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
