I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize