if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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