hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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