Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
i now understand why vodka
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
