her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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