You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
