9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
