if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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