Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
