She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
