Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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