We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
