Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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