Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
