State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
