I think my fart just growled at me.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
