They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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