I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
it hurts more in the daytime
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Randomize
