Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize