Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
