I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
