Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
