Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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