Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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