Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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