Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
