woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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