i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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