we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
