Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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