FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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